The Mirror Stares You In The Face And It Says "Uh uh, Honey. It Don't Work."

I am just so angry. I feel like I've gotten past the initial shock and I may still be in denial but I am definitely angry. Angry at the world for everything that has happened this past November. Ethan and I breaking up. My heart stomped on and broken into a thousand little pieces so that I don't even know that I'll be able to put it back together for anyone else. I'm angry that he mentally and (sort of) physically cheated on me. I'm pissed off. Fucking pissed off. It took me a month to feel it but I am now. How could he do that to me after all the crying and worrying and being angry at my dad for cheating on my mom. Why and how could he do that to me? He must feel guilty because if it isn't I would seriously worry about the quality of a person he is. I don't get it and I'm glad I don't, because I really really want to believe that he is as beautiful and loveable as I think he is.
And then there's the two year mark of Lorelei's death. And then Megan almost getting in a car crash. And then this.
One of my best friends in the whole world died. DIED. I feel so sad and angry. WHY HER? People get in car crashes every single day but why her? I just don't understand why it had to be her. Sometimes I feel so sad that I don't want to move. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to die so I can be with her away from all the anger and sadness that I've been feeling about everything else. It's too hard to take. My heart feels like it's ballooning up inside of my chest and it's getting dangerously close to exploding. I've seen Happy Feet FOUR times but do you know why? Because that's when I'm happy. Watching it and seeing the cute penguins and all the dancing and singing. I am happy. Finally. Because every other moment of the day I am either thinking about Ethan and how much I love and miss him, or Coop and how I just want to go back in time and have one more day with her. I have so many memories but it doesn't feel like there won't be more. There will be. I keep thinking there will be.
Fuck this. Fuck all this shit that I'm feeling. I've never been angrier at the world. Ever. My world is falling apart so fast I can't keep up and I'm drowning in my sadness. I don't know how long this is going to last. I just want my boyfriend back. I just want Coop back. I want more memories. Why can't Ethan love me anymore? This is ridiculous and I need to go to bed.
.Stephanie.