And The Vision That Was Planted In My Brain Still Remains

It's weird not having my best friend around. It's weird because I literally spent every day with him and now I'm fucking bored. Honestly, haha. I'm just not doing anything. I've been watching t.v. for 2 hours and it sucks. I hate watching t.v. when it isn't a planned program. Just waiting for something interesting to come on. It's the worst ever.
Ya know, I'm actually scared of Ethan a little bit. I thought I would never have to be, but I am. I'm trying so hard to be friends and not let this get to me. I haven't cried all day! But it's hard. I am afraid that he'll want to stop being friends too. Then I won't have him in my life at all and that would be even more devastating than this. I've been thinking a lot about what is going to happen in the year and more to come. Being only friends and possibly dating other people. I know, for me, that I definitely don't want another relationship with anyone. Not now. But I think the next time I'll want to be in something like that again, it would be in the future and I'd want it to be with him. I sort of feel like I found the one too young. I could see myself dating casually with other people but not a full blown relationship. I wonder if he'll want something like that with someone else? I know it's hard to say now and everything. It hasn't even been a week since it happened. It's been a week since the first fight when I found everything out and that's sad. It will be even more sad on November 16th, even if I'm feeling better by then.
I still wish I had gotten the chance I thought I had. I don't know exactly what happened at the Rialto that night but I remember still being happy when he left. I remember him standing there and casually saying "i'll call you if it's more than a couple hours."
I don't even know if he really wanted to go. I remember being awake at 12:30 and thinking, "maybe I could stay up for a little while 'til he gets here." But I didn't. And he didn't ever come upstairs. It's a heartbreaking thing knowing something is wrong and knowing it's coming. And it the most heartbreaking when you can't even have a chance at something great.