Instead Of Making Love. We Both Made Our Seperate Ways.

Haven't written in this for a while. I guess it's 'cause I've felt I have nothing to talk about. But now I guess I do. So I had a really long talk with my mom and Lauren (especially Lauren) tonight. It was great. I realized that I need to do something with my life. I need to stop dwelling, stop worrying, get therapy, and start being happy with myself and my relationships with people. I am going to see a therapist. Kaiser covers it so it's all good. Plus it's free at the JC too.
I am not going to move out. This is the most shocking. At first I didn't even want to look at the place. The room, his stuff, my stuff, our life. I wanted to run away. And I did for about 5 hours. Then I came home. I'm in the room now. I'm definitely sad and upset and worried but I realize there isn't much I can do but start changing my life around. I'm not going to run away. I'm going to stay. I'm moving into Lauren's old room and her and Matt will have mine and Ethan's. Ethan is moving out. Anthony is moving out. Megan is taking Anthony's old room and Julia, well, she's just lovely and will stay too :)
We figured a lot out tonight, Lauren and I. We talked forever about everything and I feel so much better. It's still the very day it happened and that's really hard. It will be for a while, but that doesn't mean I will mope. Tomorrow I am taking the day off work but I'll be back there on Sunday.
I'm continuing classes. Except math. I am dropping that again. I'm going to focus on other classes and even on moving to LA. Not soon. But eventually. I feel better but I'm devastated. Almost two years I've had with him and I love him so much. I can't believe it's over. I think we need time. I want to stay friends. I'm not going to barracade myself with hatred. I don't hate him. I love him. And, who knows? Maybe it'll work out one day. But obviously not now and maybe not ever. It's the saddest thing I've ever had to endure in my whole life but I think I'm taking it pretty well now. It was sad saying goodbye to Doug and Barrett. I didn't even get to see Jill. I know I'll see them again but it's still pretty depressing.
So that's that. I'm changing my life. I don't want to scare away boys with saddness or anything. I wanted a chance. A chance to work it out and maybe even date without living together. Living together is harder than it looks. I don't want to say much more about this except I hope he's happy. I'm not yet, but I will be.
.Stephanie.