If You Want To Hold On To The First Girl You Meet, Or If You Want To Settle Down and Plant Roses At My Feet, Go Ahead. I Wish You Would, Go Ahead.

It's going to be harder if I don't talk to him again about what is going on. I think by seeing him tomorrow and talking, I will be able to rationalize better and not be so hysterical and mean. I don't want to be mean to him anymore, I just want to be honest and talk. I still just don't understand. I want him to talk to me. To really give answers and understand where I'm coming from. I don't understand why we couldn't work this out. We didn't try. We didn't try together. Two years is a lot to just throw away and I'm sad to see him want that. I can't understand why he does, except for having feelings for another girl. Is she that much better than me? Does he see himself being with her someday? Why did he make plans with me for so many things, that he knew he wouldn't keep.
Why did he say he loved me over and over? Was he trying to convince himself? He should have told me about his problems and given me a chance. I deserve a chance, I think. Maybe we just need to not live together. Maybe we just need to take a step back and not be so serious. I'm sorry that he felt trapped and in a marriage and obligated to the house but he made that decision. He made it when we moved in together. I wish he could have felt like he could be more honest with me. I want to work it out. I hope one day he will want to as well. We have so much together. We have lived our lives around each other for two years almost. We have inside jokes, we have our families, we had a future, we have our friendship and our love for each other, even if he isn't IN love with me anymore. Couldn't he get back there again? If we just worked on these problems that can be fixed?
I'm in our room. I'm in our bed. I haven't even washed his smell out of it yet. It feels like he could come back but I know he won't. I can't understand how you can throw SO MUCH away so fast? How great is she really? How can she have change our relationship like that? I know it has to be about that because he wouldn't have gone in the other room to get a blanket for the futon. Even drunk people can go to their own bedrooms. Was he ashamed?
.Stephanie.