There's Just One Thing That I Need To Say, Before I Close My Eyes and Walk Away.

Yesterday was supposed to be mine and Ethan's real, official, we made it!, 1 year anniversary. I think we had planned to try a new restaurant instead of Syrah or something.
Some days I totally get it. I'm understanding and I realize it's for the best and I'm happy he's having fun in his new house with his friends. It's something he needs and I get that. But there are days, like yesterday and today, that I just don't get it. I just don't understand it at all and it's not even me crying or pouting or anything, I'm just not understanding. I got home just now and I just am devastated that he's not going to be here later. I sat down in the middle of Lauren's room for a minute and just looked around. I didn't even cry. I just looked and felt so heavily sad. Two weeks ago exactly all his stuff was still there and how was I supposed to know how badly I had screwed up? Relationships take work and he didn't even want to try and days like today, I can't believe it. I am just shocked and sad and he loved me, so why was he so harsh and why did he cut me off so much?

But then I think about it more and I try to understand and I do. I get it and I'm okay with it and I want him to be happy. But one day, if we don't find ourselves with other people, I hope he can remember how much I loved him and how much he loved me too and we can go back to the way it was, when we were happy and silly.

Don't Forget Me.
Don't Regret Me.
Don't Suspect Me.
Don't Neglect Me.

I Did Everything For You. I'll Do Anything For You.

I made a huge mistake. I stopped reading Cosmo.

No but really I just did too many things that a "good girlfriend" doesn't do. Like becoming way too comfortable with her boyfriend. Don't brush your teeth together. Be sexy as much as possible. I was too comfortable. In my silly pjs. Not enough hot lingerie. Damn you Cosmo.

Living together is harder than it seems. For friends too, not just couples. It's just hard. Seeing someone day in and day out. There was no mystery to our relationship. It was all out and we saw every side of each other. There were times when I wasn't completely sexually attracted to him. There wasn't anything new. It was wonderful and I love him but it was all the same. I want to be with him one day again because I love him more than I've loved anyone else. I can't see my life without him but at the same time I can't picture myself sitting around waiting. I'm just going to go about my business and if someone comes along that I like, I'll take that chance. But I am certainly not going to go out looking for a relationship. I am not ready for that and I don't want one without Ethan. I can see myself dating but not a relationship. Not yet.

Logan said some pretty nice things when I was hanging out with him and it made me feel like a better person. I just told him, "I am awesome!" and I believed it. I really believe it. So guess what? I'm awesome and I'm promising myself that I won't sit around and wait but at the same time, I am not searching for it either.
.Stephanie.

Don't Forget Me.

I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

And The Vision That Was Planted In My Brain Still Remains

It's weird not having my best friend around. It's weird because I literally spent every day with him and now I'm fucking bored. Honestly, haha. I'm just not doing anything. I've been watching t.v. for 2 hours and it sucks. I hate watching t.v. when it isn't a planned program. Just waiting for something interesting to come on. It's the worst ever.
Ya know, I'm actually scared of Ethan a little bit. I thought I would never have to be, but I am. I'm trying so hard to be friends and not let this get to me. I haven't cried all day! But it's hard. I am afraid that he'll want to stop being friends too. Then I won't have him in my life at all and that would be even more devastating than this. I've been thinking a lot about what is going to happen in the year and more to come. Being only friends and possibly dating other people. I know, for me, that I definitely don't want another relationship with anyone. Not now. But I think the next time I'll want to be in something like that again, it would be in the future and I'd want it to be with him. I sort of feel like I found the one too young. I could see myself dating casually with other people but not a full blown relationship. I wonder if he'll want something like that with someone else? I know it's hard to say now and everything. It hasn't even been a week since it happened. It's been a week since the first fight when I found everything out and that's sad. It will be even more sad on November 16th, even if I'm feeling better by then.
I still wish I had gotten the chance I thought I had. I don't know exactly what happened at the Rialto that night but I remember still being happy when he left. I remember him standing there and casually saying "i'll call you if it's more than a couple hours."
I don't even know if he really wanted to go. I remember being awake at 12:30 and thinking, "maybe I could stay up for a little while 'til he gets here." But I didn't. And he didn't ever come upstairs. It's a heartbreaking thing knowing something is wrong and knowing it's coming. And it the most heartbreaking when you can't even have a chance at something great.

'Cause It Takes Something More This Time, Than Sweet, Sweet Lies.

Feeling pretty good. I don't know how often I will write in this, honestly, but if I do, then check back if you want. If not, whatevs. I feel better since Ethan and I have actually had conversations and such about what happened/is happening. I'm glad he still loves me. I love him. We are friends. That is good. Dillon can chill out because his myspace profile says he doesn't get mad/hold grudges but it's hard to believe that when he's talkin' shit and trying to high-five Julia when he finds out we break up. I think that's pretty bitch. I'm sad about it all because we used to be such good friends and since Ethan and I got back together last year he was never nice to me again. Until somewhat recently, I guess, when he started feeling lonely. But honestly, how could I feel sorry for him when I tried to be friends for so long and got nothing in return? This is the first time I've ever written about this because I didn't know how I felt about it or if I even cared. I just never wanted to talk about it really. But now that I hear about that, it sorta pisses me off. Because Ethan does care about me, and if you feel like I stole him away or something, then I'm sorry. But I tried and tried and got nothing in return so I stopped caring. I'm not opposed to becoming friends again someday but it was hard for me. To feel like I lost a friend like that.

So I pretty much hate my new room. It's not the fact that it's small or anything, it's just not mine. It's lonely and it's not my bed. I want my bed. I have new pretty sheets to put on it.

I read a story that I found tonight that Brad had written me a long time ago. It was hilarious. I remember laughing everytime I had read it before. It's just so... Brad. I mean, it's called "Stephanie's Oh-So-Disturbing, Enormously Convoluted, Overly-Inflated, Ridiculously Pretentious, But Still Vaguely Cute One-Month Anniversary Story". That's just crazy and Brad-like in itself. It talks about all our friends then like Erin and Jed, Gary, Caleb, Jello, Megan, Paul, ect... so wonderfully nostalgic. I guess it's kinda nice to look back on that stuff sometimes.
.Stephanie.

If You Want To Hold On To The First Girl You Meet, Or If You Want To Settle Down and Plant Roses At My Feet, Go Ahead. I Wish You Would, Go Ahead.

It's going to be harder if I don't talk to him again about what is going on. I think by seeing him tomorrow and talking, I will be able to rationalize better and not be so hysterical and mean. I don't want to be mean to him anymore, I just want to be honest and talk. I still just don't understand. I want him to talk to me. To really give answers and understand where I'm coming from. I don't understand why we couldn't work this out. We didn't try. We didn't try together. Two years is a lot to just throw away and I'm sad to see him want that. I can't understand why he does, except for having feelings for another girl. Is she that much better than me? Does he see himself being with her someday? Why did he make plans with me for so many things, that he knew he wouldn't keep.
Why did he say he loved me over and over? Was he trying to convince himself? He should have told me about his problems and given me a chance. I deserve a chance, I think. Maybe we just need to not live together. Maybe we just need to take a step back and not be so serious. I'm sorry that he felt trapped and in a marriage and obligated to the house but he made that decision. He made it when we moved in together. I wish he could have felt like he could be more honest with me. I want to work it out. I hope one day he will want to as well. We have so much together. We have lived our lives around each other for two years almost. We have inside jokes, we have our families, we had a future, we have our friendship and our love for each other, even if he isn't IN love with me anymore. Couldn't he get back there again? If we just worked on these problems that can be fixed?
I'm in our room. I'm in our bed. I haven't even washed his smell out of it yet. It feels like he could come back but I know he won't. I can't understand how you can throw SO MUCH away so fast? How great is she really? How can she have change our relationship like that? I know it has to be about that because he wouldn't have gone in the other room to get a blanket for the futon. Even drunk people can go to their own bedrooms. Was he ashamed?
.Stephanie.

For Every Loveless Night, She Waits...

I saw Jill. She made me feel better. I'm sitting alone at home. It's hard. I cried. I didnt cry all last night or this morning but I did just now. I'm alone in the house and he's not coming back. I think this is hard because I just wanted a chance. 48 hours is not a chance. Brad didn't give me a chance at long distance when he went to college. And Ethan isn't giving me a chance to get better. I want to stop worrying. If I had known in the beginning that it was really hurting the relationship, I could've worked on it. Something happened between Thursday, when he brought me bagels at work, told me he was starting to love me again, we went out to dinner... we were together. And then he went to the Rialto party (that I should have gone to) and slept on the futon when he got home. There was a definite change and I know why but it hurts so much to know it.
I can't think about anything else. Why couldn't we talk about it and get through it? Why did he try to do it over the phone? Why didn't he love me enough to try?
.Stephanie.

Instead Of Making Love. We Both Made Our Seperate Ways.

Haven't written in this for a while. I guess it's 'cause I've felt I have nothing to talk about. But now I guess I do. So I had a really long talk with my mom and Lauren (especially Lauren) tonight. It was great. I realized that I need to do something with my life. I need to stop dwelling, stop worrying, get therapy, and start being happy with myself and my relationships with people. I am going to see a therapist. Kaiser covers it so it's all good. Plus it's free at the JC too.
I am not going to move out. This is the most shocking. At first I didn't even want to look at the place. The room, his stuff, my stuff, our life. I wanted to run away. And I did for about 5 hours. Then I came home. I'm in the room now. I'm definitely sad and upset and worried but I realize there isn't much I can do but start changing my life around. I'm not going to run away. I'm going to stay. I'm moving into Lauren's old room and her and Matt will have mine and Ethan's. Ethan is moving out. Anthony is moving out. Megan is taking Anthony's old room and Julia, well, she's just lovely and will stay too :)
We figured a lot out tonight, Lauren and I. We talked forever about everything and I feel so much better. It's still the very day it happened and that's really hard. It will be for a while, but that doesn't mean I will mope. Tomorrow I am taking the day off work but I'll be back there on Sunday.
I'm continuing classes. Except math. I am dropping that again. I'm going to focus on other classes and even on moving to LA. Not soon. But eventually. I feel better but I'm devastated. Almost two years I've had with him and I love him so much. I can't believe it's over. I think we need time. I want to stay friends. I'm not going to barracade myself with hatred. I don't hate him. I love him. And, who knows? Maybe it'll work out one day. But obviously not now and maybe not ever. It's the saddest thing I've ever had to endure in my whole life but I think I'm taking it pretty well now. It was sad saying goodbye to Doug and Barrett. I didn't even get to see Jill. I know I'll see them again but it's still pretty depressing.
So that's that. I'm changing my life. I don't want to scare away boys with saddness or anything. I wanted a chance. A chance to work it out and maybe even date without living together. Living together is harder than it looks. I don't want to say much more about this except I hope he's happy. I'm not yet, but I will be.
.Stephanie.