Shoulda Known Better When You Came Around That You Were Gonna Make Me Cry.

While there were other guys interested in me, it was different. I had hope and I fell out of love and I was having the time of my life. Winter break was amazing with everyone home from college and keeping me entertained and not sad about life. Things were looking up.
Not to say that I'm completely unhappy or that life sucks again but now that a lot of my friends have gone back to college, I'm not feeling as great as I was. I've really been needing my friends lately and it's hard. In the past couple weeks I've been thinking about Ethan a lot again. I have so many different emotions about the whole thing that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired and today I read some lyrics he wrote for songs and I'm not sure how many were about our relationship but I'm sure a few were and my head was literally spinning. I felt sick and it just washed over me again.
I read some letters from my time capsule today, including Ethan's, in search for Coop's. I found that I don't have one from her and I have no idea why! I was almost certain that she wrote me one but I guess I was wrong. It made me really sad.
So there are so many things I never got to say to Ethan when we broke up. So many things I let slide or didn't even realize at the time. I don't think I can write them here because it wouldn't be right but it's been driving me crazy. I need him to talk to me. I want him to just tell me what's up and why he wrote what he wrote and what he's been feeling lately. I don't understand why he doesn't want to talk to me. The hardest thing in the world is when your best friend just doesn't even want to be in your life anymore. He's so impressionable. And the cheating... I guess I just didn't think about it when I found out but now I think back and I don't understand why he did it. The biggest thing in the world that he could do to hurt me was that and he did it. And he knew it too. He knew how upset I was about my dad and how hard it was for me after I found out.
I know now there are things I did that I hate. That I didn't appreciate him enough and I know that. I am so sorry that I was like that but I know now what I did and I hope in the future, with him or any other boyfriend, I will not ever be like that again. Controlling and unappreciative. It disgusts me now. I just want him to talk to me. Like we used to. We used to talk about everything, including us and now there is no us and there is no talking. I miss the old Ethan.
.Stephanie.