Don't Ever Go, Don't Ever Leave Me.

Sometimes it makes me sad when Dillon and Ryan make fun of me about Ethan. Also, when Dillon gets pissed off about it. I don't understand why he gets so mad. He says... well, nevermind I probably shouldn't say. But it still confuses me. I don't see any of it as a big deal really. Sometimes I do feel sort of... used I guess. Even though I know shouldn't. But I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how for most of our lives Ethan was crazy about me and invited me to a lot of things and now that we've dated I feel like he takes advantage of me and doesn't ever want me around. So that's what Dillon was getting at. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I sort of feel bad about writing in this blog sometimes because people I talk about do read it and it probably makes them feel bad sometimes. But I feel like I have to because they're my feelings and I don't really keep a journal or tell anyone I just write here and people can choose to read it.

I Thought It Less Like A Lake And More Like A Moat.

Sometimes I don't even want to be friends with Jeff at all anymore. He's such a fucking downer.

What If There Was No Time. And No Reason, Or Rhyme....

I am so lame for writing in this so often. I feel like I should write about happier things. Thank god the power came back on. I hate when it goes off. I kind of want to finish that movie Ethan and I started but I should just wait for him. It's hilarious when Kim and Ethan are mean to each other. They're not really mean just sarcastic and it's funny as hell. I was like, yeah just wait until he's your brother-in-law. I was kidding. Sort of. She shuddered. She likes him though.

The good thing about having a lap-top is that you can still watch movies when your power is out. Kim and I watched more Nip/Tuck. That is a good show.

This is quite possibly one of the most boring entries this blog has ever seen. Oh, but I did get a call from Mikerra and Charlotte today which was very nostalgic. It was just like old times only we were talking about how we're going to college instead of high school. Weird. I can't believe we're that old. I seriously remember those two years like they were yesterday. Charlatte and Mik J were two of the very best friends that I've ever had. And Kym, although that ended quickly. But it was awesome to talk to them and we're going to do something on Monday. Good thing too because Charlotte is already doing summer school at San Francisco State and Mikerra is leaving for France soon. I always knew Mikerra would go to some random school. And I would have thought Charlotte would have gone to SoCal but whatev. Looks like I'm the only one staying here. Gah! Oh well, in two years... well, I'm excited for the next two years, but I can't wait to finish at the JC, either. Yay life! Alright I'm done now.

This Thing Between You And Me Might Not Be Anything Worth Singing About.

So I have a definite problem. Now, before I start talking about this, this is one of those entries where, if you are special enough to even have this webaddress, you must not talk about this with anyone else. It would be disrespectful to me, and I would be very upset if anyone went around talking about this behind my back, whether it's good or bad. The only person you are allowed to talk about this to is me.

That said, I have a problem. I think I have a slight slight case of Nymphomania. I mean, I don't have sex with random people, making it a slight case for certain but I think about sex a lot. I have had sex with all three of my boyfriends outside of the relationship, I almost devirginized another guy a few nights ago, I have gone from having sex with one guy to the next to the next back to the other and back and forth and back and forth and it's insane! I just can't say no. And most of the time, I don't want to say no. There is so much more that I want to say and describe and I know that I shouldn't. It's just crazy. I feel sort of helpless. It's not even the sex really, it's mostly the company. Well I mean, God knows I love sex and all but when it comes down to it, I really just enjoy people. I love people. I have an obsession with them and what they think and how they work and the human body. I think that's why I've been thinking about girls and how I wouldn't mind hooking up with a girl, just because. Not to please a guy or anything like that. I just love people.

And obviously there's Ethan and I love him most of all, so anything with him I can't stop myself from doing. It just feels so incredibly right and wonderful. Sometimes I miss him a lot. Other times I just know that being more apart from him is alright. I know it won't change anything. But all in all, I just feel crazy. I feel out of control and weird and sort of numb to the situation. Like it honestly doesn't bother me very much but I worry about hurting other people. I also have to endure talks from other people who I tell by choice and listen to their views and I just can't change. And I'm a naturally flirty person so sometimes I worry that other girls (or guys) get angry with me. I kind of don't know what to do. I wish I wasn't going to Berkeley again tomorrow so that Ethan could do another drop by. Oh well. And remember, PLEASE don't discuss this with anyone other than me.

You See, Sorrow Gets Too Heavy And Joy It Tends To Hold You.

Haven't really had much to say for a little while. The Jeff situation is going a lot better. We've hung out a couple of times and everything seems to be getting better. I'm still a little shocked about the whole being in love with me thing just because... well I'm not sure to believe it or not. I've been having a hard time believing certain things. Some things, like Jeff being in love with me, just seems so unlikely but I guess if they're his feelings, they must be true. I've been trying to remember that, especially with Ethan. I want so much to just believe every word, and I do, it's just hard. Seth said something last night that made me feel a lot better, he said that I have no reason to not believe what Ethan says because even though he went through, or is going through, a very confusing time, he obviously still wants me to be in his life because if he didn't he would just avoid me all the time. So there. Believe that Stephanie Bunting.

When You Get So Close I Run And Hide.

Fuck my emotions. I don't know what the hell I want. You know what I want? To be single. I just want to be single. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to feel like shit everytime I hang out with him. I don't want to feel like I'm staying in the relationship so I don't hurt his feelings. I like him, I do. But I can't do this. I can't stay with him. It's just a really unhealthy thing to do. I found out about Sarah. It made me feel like shit and I don't even know why. I guess I know how Ethan felt that night up off of Anadel Heights. It's probably unreasonable for me to feel that way too. I guess I just realize that... wow. Jeff's not Ethan. But it's not even like I need Ethan right now. I just... it's still like when Summer kissed that guy on New Years and she's like 'You're not Seth Cohen.' That's how I feel when Jeff and I have sex. Wow. I really need to talk to Jeff. Now.

And I Can Tell You My Love For You Will Still Be Strong After The Boys Of Summer Have Gone.

I broke up with Jeff. Then we got back together. God. I feel the need to explain myself for this. When I'm 'with' Jeff it makes Ethan sad. When I'm not 'with' Jeff it makes Jeff sad. No matter what I do, I'm screwed. I probably should just do what makes ME happy right? Yeup. So that's what I'm doing I think. For now. Granted, if I could be with Ethan, I'd be with Ethan. But we both know that now is not the time for that. Jeff really really likes me. And I really like Jeff too. Regardless of what everyone thinks. I do actually like Jeff, if I didn't I wouldn't have ever gone out with him right? And having a relationship may seem stupid, but it works for me. I don't really like the idea of just hooking up with whoever. Dillon knows what I mean. I mean, sure it would be awesome to just go around hooking up with whoever I want but it doesn't make me feel like a good person and I like the attention that I get from one person. Jeff actually gives me the attention I usually want in a relationship too, it's just too bad that sometimes I don't always want it from him.

So, I'm staying with Jeff. At least 'til the end of the summer. I'm not going to fall in love with him but when we're hanging out and we're not 'together' it just feels weird and wrong. He knows all about Ethan too, so it's not like he wasn't warned. I love Ethan. I always will. And someday, Ethan and I will be together. For a very long time. I would find it wrong and weird to just be hook up buddies with him. We have so much more than that. And we're better than that. Even though when we do hook up... it's great. Like you can feel the emotions that are being poured into it. It's amazing. So, Ethan, I love you, and I always will and with summer ending my love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone. ( wow that was cheesy. heh. *darah laugh*.... I still don't know about her. loosing train of thought. goodbye.)

And If You Have A Minute Why Don't We Go Somewhere Only We Know.

And this is why I need a new journal. Because I could pretend like it doesn't matter and that I don't care what other people think but honestly, I just can't.

When You Were 17, Ya Know, I Much Preffered You Walking Away.

Maybe I'll hold out a little longer on getting a new blog. I did make a new lj though. The username is hideyourlovers, if you care. I also have a new screen name. Inspired by Jeff's because I thought it was hella lame until I found out what it meant. So it's DVAS tigralily. Pretty sweet, haha.

Jeff and I argued a lot last night. I guess he's a little more invested in this relationship than I thought. It's kinda scary. Not that it's a bad thing because I like him a lot I just know that I'm not going to want to be in it forever. Well obviously not forever. We have completely different life plans. I'm moving to LA in two years, for example. Hopefully I'll go to UCLA. Ok off track. Jeff and I have different plans. And that's that. But for now, it's fun.

I'm going to Santa Barbara on Wednesday or whenever we leave. Should be fun. I'm in Dillon's car. Just me and Dillon, great. Haha, just kidding! Alrighty, gotta take Quinn to her friend's house. Ciao.

Don't Look At Me That Way. It Was An Honest Mistake.

I'm thinking maybe I should get a new blog because so many people read it now, it's not even fun anymore.

Well, here we go anyway. So I'm dating Jeff. He's a sweetheart. He doesn't read this. I don't even really know how it happened. It's interesting. We get along great because we have A LOT in common and he's really fun to hang out with but sometimes I just wish I was single. I think we should have waiting longer. And I know this isn't even going to be for that long. When Allie gets back, things could go haywire and also, when I actually start going to college, I might just want to distance myself a little more. We'll see. It's fun now, but the thing is.... he has no tact. I mean, he's nice and he's funny but he says things right when they pop into his mind before he even thinks them through. He's a lot like Brad too, but without tact. It's kind of funny. I guess it isn't really that big of a deal except that he did call me a whale. *cracks up thinking about it* Wow. Ok he didn't call ME a whale, he said my eye looked like a whale's eye in a certain picture but when taken out of context, it's the best thing ever.

Hopefully this semester I'll be taking Engl. 1A, Math 151, Psych 1A, and Astronomy 3. I hope I can get into all of the classes I want.

I can't stop thinking about Ethan. That's why it's a good thing that Jeff doesn't read this. I feel like I am mentally cheating on him. (Even though he mentally cheats on me with Allie.) It's bad. But there's a reason why I can't help it. *shakes head* Gah. OK I'm out. NLD tonight. Ciao.

A Snap Of Your Fingers And End To The Arguments. Anything For You, Love.

So everything I said last night is pretty much resolved. Ethan showed up at my door. The next morning. Boy did I look cute. Haha, not. Pwnt to myself.

Alrighty, things are good. I'm a lot less unhappy, not so jaded about my future, and just ok with the boy situation right now. I don't even feel like explaining it but I'm ok with it. So that's all that matters. Happy Steffie. I'm SO tired though. Stephanie doesn't wake up at 9 in the morning for just anyone.

You Think That's Where It's At But Is That Where It's Supposed To Be?

I just walked home. Alone. From Anadel Heights. I AM SO UPSET. I don't even know what to do. GOD! I feel like I have no right to be upset but I DO. I do have a right. How can he act like that?! How can he say that he's upset and disgusted and mad at me when we aren't even dating. And as my friend, even GARY knows to respect that.

Do you think I'm happy? Do you think I'm happy with the fact that I had sex with TWO GUYS in TWO WEEKS. I AM SO FUCKING JADED right now I can't even believe it. Things are not affecting me like they should. The entire walk home I maybe shed three tears and that was it. I can't even cry. I don't regret having sex with either of them but he makes me feel like I should. I mean, Ethan! You are my best friend! PLEASE don't be mad at me. And I want to talk to you and I'm so upset right now. I wish you would just knock on my door and talk to me. *looks at door* But you won't.

Even though I just met Jeff about a week and a half ago, he's been so nice. I mean, right now, I don't think I'd want a relationship with him but we 'click' as he said. It's true. But forever I felt like I 'clicked' with Ethan. And it would (oh my god I'm actually crying.) be unfair to him that I love Ethan. I LOVE Ethan. I've never been in love with in my life and I just realized it. This is the most depressing thing I've ever had to go through. It's so hard to bear. I just can't take it anymore. I feel like so many images and words and phrases that people have said to me are just flying through my head right now. I need something. I don't know what it is. But I'm so unhappy. I AM NOT AN UNHAPPY PERSON! I used to be so fun and happy-go-lucky and I used to....