You Think That's Where It's At But Is That Where It's Supposed To Be?

I just walked home. Alone. From Anadel Heights. I AM SO UPSET. I don't even know what to do. GOD! I feel like I have no right to be upset but I DO. I do have a right. How can he act like that?! How can he say that he's upset and disgusted and mad at me when we aren't even dating. And as my friend, even GARY knows to respect that.

Do you think I'm happy? Do you think I'm happy with the fact that I had sex with TWO GUYS in TWO WEEKS. I AM SO FUCKING JADED right now I can't even believe it. Things are not affecting me like they should. The entire walk home I maybe shed three tears and that was it. I can't even cry. I don't regret having sex with either of them but he makes me feel like I should. I mean, Ethan! You are my best friend! PLEASE don't be mad at me. And I want to talk to you and I'm so upset right now. I wish you would just knock on my door and talk to me. *looks at door* But you won't.

Even though I just met Jeff about a week and a half ago, he's been so nice. I mean, right now, I don't think I'd want a relationship with him but we 'click' as he said. It's true. But forever I felt like I 'clicked' with Ethan. And it would (oh my god I'm actually crying.) be unfair to him that I love Ethan. I LOVE Ethan. I've never been in love with in my life and I just realized it. This is the most depressing thing I've ever had to go through. It's so hard to bear. I just can't take it anymore. I feel like so many images and words and phrases that people have said to me are just flying through my head right now. I need something. I don't know what it is. But I'm so unhappy. I AM NOT AN UNHAPPY PERSON! I used to be so fun and happy-go-lucky and I used to....