I Want You To Be Here.

I haven't posted for a little while but I don't really feel like going over all the stuff that's happened to me. You can just go read my newly posted livejournal for that.

And that brings me to writing in here. See my livejournal is.... LIVE and this isn't so much, so I kind of just want to vent and talk here.

So yesterday... this weekend, I've been kind of upset because Ethan was feeling really sick at project grad and I thought he just wanted to be left alone and I didn't want him to get pissed at me so I didn't push it. Then I guess by the end of the night he really wanted to hang out with everyone but we all just went home and I guess I had just been feeling like I was just.... nothing to him. Maybe that's selfish of me, and maybe that's why he's always broken up with me but I dunno. I just... sometimes it's weird like I feel like we're really close and our relationship is so great and then we have sex and for a couple days after that, I feel like he doesn't give a shit about me again. And I have such a hard time saying this to his face. (and I know he reads this now....) but I just... couldn't tell him that yesterday. He's going through a hard time and he doesn't really know why and then the whole Darah thing didn't make me feel any better.

I KNOW Ethan wouldn't cheat on me. Well I HOPE he wouldn't but when I was hanging out with Dillon and Ryan and everyone on Saturday night it just made me really doubt that. And it wasn't a good feeling. And I mean, when I sort of brought it up to Ethan he didn't really make me feel a whole lot better. I mean, Darah is SOO cool and nice and I really like her but.... maybe Ethan does too. And Ryan was saying how Darah seemed kind of interested in him and that made me want to vomit.
GOD. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I just be okay with everything and help Ethan out because he's depressed and why can't I just be strong and happy and why am I making things worse? If I didn't really want to post this... I would just erase it all. But I'm going to post it anyway.