We Cough Too Much Now. But We're Too Young For Ourselves.

I don't feel like people care about me. Maggie told me the other day that a lot of people say really rude things to me and she noticed that I just brush it off like it's no big deal. She even admitted that she says rude things to me too. I guess I never really noticed it. Now, I see it all the time. And it's pretty true. She thinks that I've just been walked all over for a long time and I just never saw it as that. But it's true. It's always been true. I've always been the center of everyone's anger in every group that I've ever been in. Usually it's about me being too friendly and having other groups of friends that I like to hang out with. In fact, that always happens. Every group of friends I have has had that problem with me. Is that even really a problem!? To like a lot of different people? I think because I've always been laid back, I just let people be angry at me without really fighting back. I wish I knew that people care about me. It's really been bothering me lately. I know I'm probably paranoid or something but I just feel like no one really cares. I need to hear it. I need to know you care! Whoever you are. I want to know. I want to be loved. I want to feel loved. I hate when you say things about me behind my back and assume I won't hear it. I want acceptance. I want love. I want real friends. I also wish Ethan still said the kinds of things he said to me at the beginning of January. He was so in love and he would always say things like 'oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!' God, I want to feel that again.

Handshakes Are For Strangers. Around Here, We Hug.

It's pretty stupid to get jealous of Ethan telling another girl that he loves her, right? I mean, it's not like he is in love with her. I think.

She Was So Free Like A Pineapple In A Tree.

So today I broke down when Ethan called me stupid. How stupid is that? I mean... at the time I was really upset but then when the tears started rolling down my face and I couldn't help them, I felt really dumb. And I think he was mad at me for being sad. He said he wasn't going to change how he acted and that he just calls people names and that's who he is and he doesn't mean it. That made me kind of mad because I wasn't asking him to change. I just got tired of being put down all the time. And never being 'put up' or something. I don't think I'm a needy girlfriend. I don't ask for things. But sometimes it would be nice to hear compliments or like... something. I dunno. Then when I realized he was mad, it made me get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going to dump me for that. I know he wouldn't but... I dunno... I think I'm a little scared that out of the blue he'll just get tired of me again. I think boys just get bored of me. That's probably one of my worst fears. Shit. It's scary when you care about someone so much. I need to chill out.

Put Your Hands On Me, My Love.

I got back from Santa Cruz and Canada and didn't write at all. I apologize. To my blog that is, because I'm sure no one else reads this. I kind of like it that way. I don't have to censor what I'm saying.

Today I took the JC placement tests for English and Math. That was pretty much the coolest thing ever, not because it was a test because that wasn't fun, it was just the fact that I know I'm staying. For sure. Gary might even stay and go to the JC for a semester or two. He's also thinking about going to a junior college with dorms so he can move. He really loves Amanda but sometimes I'm afraid because their relationship seems unhealthy. Especially lately. I love her and I love him and I love that they're happy together, it's just hard to watch him hurting all the time. I know a lot of it is because of the mono. He blames a lot of things on the mono, it upsets people but for the most part I know it's true.

I just got back from the Rialto to visit Ethan. I love him more than anything but sometimes I get really annoyed when he calls me dumbass or moron or something. I don't like it. It's mean. I know he's kidding, but I still don't like it. Also, I wonder if it really bothers him when Dillon and I hang out together. I mean, of course nothing it going on but whenever I tell him about something we did he seems completely uninterested. Other than that our relationship is great right now. I don't think it's ever been this good. I wish we hadn't broken up those two times. We've been going out almost longer than Brad and I did. THAT is weird.

Speaking for Brad, I finally told him that I'm not moving to LA. He was really shocked at first but then when I explained my reasoning he said he was proud of me. I wonder if that's really true. I mean, when he left and we had to break up, we had always said that we might get back together when I moved down there. Now it's for sure not going to happen because I don't even have any of those feelings for him anymore. And telling him that I'm not moving down there was pretty much saying 'It's not going to happen again'. Which is good though, because I don't think either of us want that anymore. It's sad, but true. I don't even remember what it was like to hold hands with him or any of that stuff. All I picture now is Ethan. And I love that.

I'm Gonna Lay Down In The Spa Where They Coat You In Molasses.

So today I talked to Gary about not moving. He took it about 300 times better than I thought he would. He said he was disappointed but he knows that I have to do what's best for me and he thinks he will probably still move down, even if he has to wait until November for Jeff. It was such a HUGE relief to get it out of the way. Now I'm super excited because I can go to the JC with Lauren and we can do our own Santa Rosa thing. Plus I get to keep all my new friends and old friends that are staying here, plus the underclassmen as well! I'm so relieved, I can barely even describe it. I don't have to worry about the scary talk with my boyfriend now! I can just... be relieved. And not worry about anything. Bills, money, a house, taking care of myself and Gary, long distance relationships... NONE of that. Just... home. Yay!

I'd Rather Sit And Stare With You, My Dear.

So I wrote this blog about how I feel about moving away and everything and it got deleted. Bad. But I'll try and remember most of it. So for the past couple of months I've been having major doubts about moving away. I am definately scared and I thought it would just pass, but it hasn't. I just don't think I'm ready to move away. I don't want to leave my family and my friends (the ones that aren't going anywhere) and my boyfriend. I know it sounds kind of like this whole thing is about Ethan, but it's not. I mean, he's definately a big part of why I don't want to leave, but it's not like I don't have other reasons. I'm not ready to leave my house, my parents, my sister, and live on my own. I don't want to support myself yet and worry about money more than I already do. I want to stay here and go to the JC here and be with my friends and party and go to shows. And Gary and I are only going to have one car. That just sucks in itself. Also, I don't think I'm trained enough to try and make it in acting yet. I can't just rely on Schloemp my whole life. And yes, I could take more classes down there, but I feel so pressured. I need to be a teenager for a little while longer...