Just A Casual, Casual Easy Thing.

Oh my goodness! I haven't felt this giddy in years or something. I've had butterflies in my stomach for almost 24 hours! Forget all the persons I've said before. This is the real thing. Crushy crushy crush crush crush. Whew. OK. So happy.
.Stephanie.

But I Haven't Thought of You Lately At All, If Ever Again, A Greeting I Send To You. Short and Sweet To The Soul I Intend.

Sometimes I just feel really good. Like singing loudly in my car and hanging out with people I love. I feel better, better than I was. I still think about Coop or Ethan and feel a little sad but I'm much happier than I was. It took me a while to believe that I really needed a beak up too. I love him so much and I think I always will a little bit. I can still see myself being with him again someday in the future but right now I'm happy with what it is. Well... I do wish he put in a little more effort because he didn't even thank me for the cookies and I feel like he never wants to hang out with me or see me... but I dunno what else to do. I feel like you can only give so much love before it isn't worth it. Plus, lately I haven't been so attracted to him. So is that what he wanted? For me to forget about it and move on? I guess it's working....
I like other guys but I DO still think about Ethan and wish we could at least have something like what we had last time we were broken up. Like an understanding that we still love each other. It doesn't even feel like that at all this time. He's like a different person and I'm not sure how I feel about it all.
I'm seriously thinking about moving to LA as scary as it is. Jeff said he'd help me find a place to live and at least I would know him so I wouldn't be totally alone. Plus his brother in Central Casting just got cast on Desperate Housewives. I'm SO jealous. I need to join and do bit parts in all the major stuff. Seriously.
.Stephanie.

If You Wanna Be Cool, Follow One Simple Rule: Don't Mess With The Flow, No No! Stick To The Status Quo.

Person A.
Person B.
Person C.
So I do have a full blown crush (Person A). It's pretty awesome right? Wrong. Because not only is there Person A but there's Person B who I think has a crush on me and he's cute and nice and everything but he's sorta quiet. And a little awkward. I think he likes me because we hung out at a dance party and then I got home and there was a friend request from him. Then he invited me to a party at his house and it was fun but we didn't hang out much and when he would come over and talk to me it was just a little awkward. He's so nice though. Gah.
Then Person C who is uber cute but basically not the relationship type. But back to Person A who is just so adorable. There are quite a lot of obstacles though. So I don't know what to do or who to pick and there might be a Person D too. Which is just bad.

On a different note, High School Musical is my new love. SO frickin' funny. With all the teenage hormones and a brother and sister auditioning for the couples songs in the musical. What the fuck...? This movie is crazy.
.Stephanie.

I'm So Sad Since You Went Away.

I have a crush. It is almost so small that it is not worth talking about but it's there. It still has no hold over what I still feel for Ethan. On one hand I wish it would end. That I could just stop being in love with him... but I'm not ready to let go. I love him. I don't know if I'll ever let go. They say that you never completely stop loving the people you were once in love with. I think that's true because I still love Brad in a way. Not in the sense that I would want a relationship with him but just remembering good times and the love I did have for him. He will always be a big part of my life and I hope I never lose touch with him. The same for Ethan. Right now I still want a relationship with Ethan and I am still IN love with him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he felt the same way. Sometimes I think he does. Just a look or a glance or an inside joke. Just remembering something we had. A mutual nod or smile. Please please please please please...
I need someone right now. More than ever. Even if it's not a boyfriend. Just someone to hold.
.Stephanie.

The Mirror Stares You In The Face And It Says "Uh uh, Honey. It Don't Work."

I am just so angry. I feel like I've gotten past the initial shock and I may still be in denial but I am definitely angry. Angry at the world for everything that has happened this past November. Ethan and I breaking up. My heart stomped on and broken into a thousand little pieces so that I don't even know that I'll be able to put it back together for anyone else. I'm angry that he mentally and (sort of) physically cheated on me. I'm pissed off. Fucking pissed off. It took me a month to feel it but I am now. How could he do that to me after all the crying and worrying and being angry at my dad for cheating on my mom. Why and how could he do that to me? He must feel guilty because if it isn't I would seriously worry about the quality of a person he is. I don't get it and I'm glad I don't, because I really really want to believe that he is as beautiful and loveable as I think he is.
And then there's the two year mark of Lorelei's death. And then Megan almost getting in a car crash. And then this.
One of my best friends in the whole world died. DIED. I feel so sad and angry. WHY HER? People get in car crashes every single day but why her? I just don't understand why it had to be her. Sometimes I feel so sad that I don't want to move. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to die so I can be with her away from all the anger and sadness that I've been feeling about everything else. It's too hard to take. My heart feels like it's ballooning up inside of my chest and it's getting dangerously close to exploding. I've seen Happy Feet FOUR times but do you know why? Because that's when I'm happy. Watching it and seeing the cute penguins and all the dancing and singing. I am happy. Finally. Because every other moment of the day I am either thinking about Ethan and how much I love and miss him, or Coop and how I just want to go back in time and have one more day with her. I have so many memories but it doesn't feel like there won't be more. There will be. I keep thinking there will be.
Fuck this. Fuck all this shit that I'm feeling. I've never been angrier at the world. Ever. My world is falling apart so fast I can't keep up and I'm drowning in my sadness. I don't know how long this is going to last. I just want my boyfriend back. I just want Coop back. I want more memories. Why can't Ethan love me anymore? This is ridiculous and I need to go to bed.
.Stephanie.