So Let Go. Jump In. What Are You Waiting For? It's Alright. Because There's Beauty In The Breakdown.

Just watched Garden State at my dad's. I forgot how much I love that movie. Zach Braff is wonderful. So is Natalie Portman. Her character is fun.

So things with Brad are gone. At least I'm 99% sure. And that's a good thing, I enjoy being friends with him more.

So there's more drama with Jeff. I mean, I guess it's not too bad of drama. I haven't dealt with it first-hand and I feel kind of bad about the whole thing but also... I was so surprised how comfortable I felt with him. I like spending time with him. I know he likes me but he likes Allie too. I think that's holding me back a lot. For now, we're friends. And I like that best. For now.

Nobody Really Knows Where They're Supposed To Go.

So. I'm digging quite a grave for myself. I guess it's not THAT bad. Especially since after last night, I think I can get over Ethan now. For real this time. So Ethan is my best friend. And I said a lot of weird things last night. Some of which I meant and some I didn't. I still want to MB with him. That's fun. I think I did get a little emotionally fucked with the on and off dating but it's alright. I'll get over that. It's going to take me a while before I actually feel completely comfortable in a relationship again though. But it's done.

So that grave.... well, Brad wants a relationship. I still haven't talked to him about it. But he hasn't broughten it up either! But I'm pretty sure that right now I don't want to be in a relationship. I just want to be single for a little while. And actually single. Not two weeks single.

Then there's Jeff. I don't like him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. He just wants to hook up. I don't know if that's going to happen or not but now I feel a little awkward around him. Just a little though.

I wish James lived here. Not James Ryall obviously. This other James. He lives in Oregon and he's my cousin Chris' best friend. He used to live here but then his parents moved to Oregon. He's going to a junior college there but supposedly this year he's moving down to LA to go to APU with Chris. So our story is very short but god, if he lived here, it could possibly have worked out. So this last Thanksgiving is when I actually got to spend time with him. He comes to all Bunting family parties. So he came to Thanksgiving and we all hung out and I had to leave for a little while but then I came back and Chris, James, Laura, and I went to Jordan's house for dessert like always. We all hung out in Jordan's room and James and I became more comfortable with each other and started being flirty. Then we all decided that it would be fun to wait outside Best Buy all night for the laptop sale. So the four of us (not Jordan) went to Best Buy and hung out ALL night together. It was super cold too so we were all huddled together. (me next to James). So that was that. He went back to Oregon and that was sad.

So he's come home two or three times more since then but I am always busy (or dating someone) when he comes back. I guess he always bothers Laura about me though when he comes home and asks me to hang out. The most recent being a couple of days ago at Laura's birthday party. So it's hard for James to remember all of the Buntings (I don't blame him.) but my mom went up to him and introduced herself and he stared blankly and then when she told him that she was my mom, he perked up instantly and supposedly got a huge smile on his face and looked around and asked where I was. I had JUST left. Goddamn camping. So then my mom told me later and asked what it was all about because she didn't know. So that's that. James. The boy I'm supposed to marry. I've never told anyone that. And this entry became super long. But even though James and I only spent one night together, and nothing happened, I would give a lot to get to know him even more. He's wonderful. HOOK ME UP LAURA! (I don't think she reads this, haha) Ciao.

Teenage Lovers Between The Sheets.

Okay. So posting that last post was a good and bad idea. It had a hand in braking me and Ethan up for the final time but it also was a good thing that I posted it. I didn't hold anything back. I laughed, I cried, I yelled. All in all, I'm happy and sad. I'm relieved and not. I want Ethan back because I love him. I don't want him back because I guess I'm needier than I thought I was. Mainly in affection. I like to know it. All the time. So I guess that's hard for him. And I was right about Darah. Not the cheating. But he did like her.

So the good thing is that Ethan and I are still best friends and we even have the 'mama bed' together, which no one else gets. But having that makes me a little bit sad. Just because we'll be there in the bed, holding each other, and I can't even be with him. I'm with him, but not WITH him. But I still want to do it because I can't NOT do it. I love it too much. I love him too much.

And that brings me to the problem I have now. Brad is back. And he wants a relationship. I just don't think I want one. I don't want to be tied down right now. I just want to be able to experience new things and I haven't been single for a while. I could have a boyfriend if I really wanted one. But I don't think I do. The only guy I would want is Ethan. And I can't have that. So that's that. For now, I shall remain single.

I Want You To Be Here.

I haven't posted for a little while but I don't really feel like going over all the stuff that's happened to me. You can just go read my newly posted livejournal for that.

And that brings me to writing in here. See my livejournal is.... LIVE and this isn't so much, so I kind of just want to vent and talk here.

So yesterday... this weekend, I've been kind of upset because Ethan was feeling really sick at project grad and I thought he just wanted to be left alone and I didn't want him to get pissed at me so I didn't push it. Then I guess by the end of the night he really wanted to hang out with everyone but we all just went home and I guess I had just been feeling like I was just.... nothing to him. Maybe that's selfish of me, and maybe that's why he's always broken up with me but I dunno. I just... sometimes it's weird like I feel like we're really close and our relationship is so great and then we have sex and for a couple days after that, I feel like he doesn't give a shit about me again. And I have such a hard time saying this to his face. (and I know he reads this now....) but I just... couldn't tell him that yesterday. He's going through a hard time and he doesn't really know why and then the whole Darah thing didn't make me feel any better.

I KNOW Ethan wouldn't cheat on me. Well I HOPE he wouldn't but when I was hanging out with Dillon and Ryan and everyone on Saturday night it just made me really doubt that. And it wasn't a good feeling. And I mean, when I sort of brought it up to Ethan he didn't really make me feel a whole lot better. I mean, Darah is SOO cool and nice and I really like her but.... maybe Ethan does too. And Ryan was saying how Darah seemed kind of interested in him and that made me want to vomit.
GOD. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I just be okay with everything and help Ethan out because he's depressed and why can't I just be strong and happy and why am I making things worse? If I didn't really want to post this... I would just erase it all. But I'm going to post it anyway.

I Can Give You Life, I Can Take It Away.

So thank God that's all over with now. This past week has been extremely hectic. I'm not even going to try to explain it because y'all who read this already know. But it's over now and I am suh-HO happy it's over. Now this week should also be hectic, but in a more fun way. WOO! Graduation!