And I'll Say, "Yeah, Well, You Know, I'm Shy That Way."

I feel like I want to describe this weird dream I had. It was so weird that it's stuck with me for like a week and a half. So it started off with me, hanging out with Ethan and some other people and I kept getting calls from Dan but for some reason I just didn't want to talk to him so I kept refusing the calls. Then it got to be so many that I finally answered. There were 30 missed calls. That's the number I remember. So he asked me to come over and he sounded really upset. I went over to his "house" and I think Ethan went with me. Only it wasn't Dan's house, it was like a cliffside overlooking a gorgeous bay and a bridge. It was night time and you could see the stars and it was kind of cloudy. It was beautiful. So when I saw Dan he asked me to hold him and he was kind of crying and he said "Why don't you love me?" I didn't know what to think but I held him, and I think Ethan was there too, feeling just as uncomfortable as I was. Then he finally stopped crying but I didn't know what to tell him. I looked up in the sky and there was an explosion. Like fireworks. It was one giant firework with five smaller fireworks surrounding it. Everyone that was there (I think there were others as well) looked up in the sky and oohed and ahhed. Then a blue beam of light like the one in Independence Day shot down into the bay and a HUGE tidal wave came crashing down on all of us. The only people that I remember surviving were me, my mom (I don't know why she was randomly there) who wasn't really my mom, and my sister who wasn't really my sister but a tiny little girl. I was talking to my mom and I think we were floating on something next to this run down shack, maybe a barn. There was a flag pole coming out of the roof of the house and my "sister" was attached to it. The pole went throw her entire body and out her neck and she was alive. She kept telling us to save her but not to move her. She didn't look remotely like my sister, either. She was tiny and had darker hair. That's all I remember but it was intense and beautiful and when I woke up, I wasn't scared. I was confused. Erin had a pretty good interpretation and if you'd like to leave one, be my guest because it is weird that I think about it often.

In This State, I Shall Not Remain.

Finally. I have never been happier. Never.

(oh and this doesn't have to do with my last post.)

Do You Want To Go Dry Now So That I Can Say We're Holding On Tomorrow?

I had a mental breakdown on Sunday. It was completely random too. I was crying because I felt really sick and I was upset about other things and then I started thinking about by dad and how he cheated on my mom and what my mom must have felt because my mom is like a fucking superhero. She is like the strongest woman I've ever met and literally too. She lost so much weight and than she went back to school and she had to frickin' work at Mervyn's during Christmas last year and she hated it and then she didn't get a teaching job and she was depressed and had to be on meds and then she just overcame it all. She doesn't care about my dad anymore, except for the fact that she is mad at him for not being enough of a father to me and Kim. And she loves her job now, even though it doesn't seem like much but she really does love animals. And if she loves it, I love it. Mischa told me yesterday that my mom owns the place and without her they would be lost. She said she should be the owner. And then there's this other thing that I haven't told a lot of people because it's my mom's business and not really mine yet but lemme tell you, she's crazy. She's like amazingly crazy. If what she's doing works out, we could be... yeah. Great.
Anyway, I was just mad at my father. He's not a father. I see him every two and a half weeks, he doesn't pay child support for me anymore because I'm 18, even though my mom can barely support that, and he doesn't call. I haven't heard his voice in weeks. He doesn't even email. He should just get a myspace or something. But yeah. I don't hate him, yet, but he has pulled so much shit with us. I don't know what to think. I can't hate him. I can hate him when he's not there but when I see him, I'm reminded again why I love him. Because I do. And I don't know that he deserves that.

I'd Give My Body To Be Back Again. In The Rest Of The Room. To Be Alone With You.

I feel a bit bad because I said some mean things last night that had been bubbling inside of me for a while. I don't really know what to do about it. It's not like it's a life changing worry, or one that changes anything about how I feel, just... I don't even have a word that describes it. I don't know how it makes me feel but not happy. I'm sorry though. :(

And When He Steals Your Teen Heat, It Sounds A Lot Like...

I feel sad. I don't even know how to explain it (again) because it's already been explained before.
I am tired.

From Now On, Our Troubles Will Be Miles Away...

I've never posted a quiz here. This will probably be the only time.

1. How tall are you? 5'4''

2. Do you own a gun? no

3. Have you been to Rehab? yes hahaha actually i have. but not because i was an addict. just because they told me i had to go. but i didnt say 'my name is stephanie and im an alcoholic.'

4. Have you ever killed an animal? i killed a snake once. i was sad afterward.

5. Are you Irish? yeah like an 8th or something.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? sometimes i like them. usually not beef dogs though. i like turkey dogs.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? i seriously love them all but i guess some of my favorites are Carol of the Bells, Deck The Halls, and all the ones from Little Women and the oldie ones like It's The Most Wonderful Time Of Year. Seriously christmas time is my favorite time.

8. What is your favorite smell? not old peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that smell like balls. but fruity things like pearberry and boy. but not balls (lol kim)

9. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? water or juices

10. Do you do push ups? no way. i suck at them.

11. Have you ever done ecstasy? no

12. Have you been shot? no and hopefully i wont ever be shot. though being stabbed would be worse.

13. Have you ever been hospitalized? no

14. Do you like pain killers? sure.

15. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? i dont really have one.

16. Do you own a knife? yeah, many.

17. Do you have A.D.D? no my mom said i have OCD though.

18. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? god yes.

19. Name Five Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. Water
2. Chocolate Milk
3. Cran/Apple Juice
4. Mandarin Joritos
5. Juice Shack smoothies

20. What's In Your CD Player? iron and wine cause its one of the only cds i have anymore. ask me about my ipod.

21. Who is your best friend? way too many. but probably ethan because i spend the most time with him.

22. What's Under Your Bed? nothing.

23. Current Hair? layers, kinda short, bangs

24. What are you wearing? jeans, aqua and grey thermal striped shirt

25. Current Worry? anthropology.

26. Current Love? friends, sleep, movies, ethan

27. Current Hate? waiting in line for pills for like an hour and a half, sleeping alone

28. Favorite Place To Be? my bed

29. Least Favorite Place? juice shack, working.

30. If You Could Play an Instrument? violin

31. Favorite Colors? blue, green, pink

32. Person From Your Past You Wish You Could be with Right Now? Jeff before he got crazy.

33. Where Would You Like To Go? France, europe in general. or hawaii or some place tropical.

34. Where Do you want to live? in the elliot apartments.

35. Favorite food? pasta, french bread, bean and cheese burritos

36. Color of most clothes you own? american eagle.

37. Number of pillows you sleep with? 5

38. What do you wear when you go to sleep? underwear and a shirt. sometimes pajama pants/shorts if im cold

39. What were you doing 12AM last night? sleeping

40. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years? working, family maybe?

41. Are you paranoid? yes

42. First piercing/tattoo? ears pierced when i was 12, tattoo soon.

43. Last person you yelled at? i dont remember. i dont yell too often.

44. Latest crush? hayden christensen. (haha all over again. for like the 3rd time. he'll never not be a crush.)

46. If you could be a pirate, would you? maybe

47. Do you have an iPod? yes

49. What's in your pockets right now? money

50. What color are your bedroom walls? green, soon to be different.

51. last thing that made you laugh? idle hands

52. Any pets now? star and boots

62. What do you think of the person who posted this before you? dillon = silly bitch. except that i love him.

63. Screen Name? steffieface, moonysprite, dvastigralily are the names i use for most things

64. Whats your middle Name? JoAnna

65. What time is it EXACTLY? time to watch idle hands. and its 1:26