And I Have Known Love Like A Whore. From At Least Ten-Thousand More.

I really want to move out. It's not that I want to leave my mom and Kim or anything like that. I like this house. I did all of high school here. I mean, I don't think about it as much as my old house. I never dream about this house, it's always the other one, but I still like it. I just feel ready now. Billiejoe offered me the roommate position and I want to take it but I have no money. My mom doesn't have much money to give me this year, only if there was more than one person. I would be willing to share a room with someone. I think. I'm pretty sure anyway. My dad won't... wait cancel that, CAN'T give me anymore because he is Jimmy Cooper and he is bankrupt. Jimmy Cooper is my father. And he is married to Julie Cooper with a dog named Cocoa Puff.

Basically I just can't wait until next year. I just want to move out, have a new place to live and put my stuff and decorate and share with other people. I want to live in the Elliot Apartments. They remind me of dorms sort of. I want to get over this school year because I feel bored with it. I know there are some things to look forward to like Homecoming and Football and St. Babs and New Years but meh. It feels like the beginning of last year all over again. Like when I was waiting for Brad. Waiting to see if I'd still be in love with him when the year was over. I wasn't. And by the end of the year I had found someone new and it was hard to believe I ever felt that way about him ever. I mean, I love him, but when I look back I just don't remember what it felt like. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm waiting for something. I just want those somethings to happen. I want to like what my life is like now. But I kind of don't. I'm bored.

Everybody Cut Loose.

I listened to Me and Guiliani for the first time in months and I almost threw up my nostalgia. Such a weird feeling. Like driving in the taurus, the smell of that jacket and the fresh flowers, Kelley's house and everything that comes with that, VLD, New Years, what school was like when I got back from Christmas break....
weird. I like feeling like this sometimes.

I Think I'd Be Good For You. And You, You'd Be Good For Me.

So I went to dinner at Olive Garden tonight with my mom, Kim, and Gary (not Jason) and everything was well until I mentioned something that Ethan had said to me over the weekend that was really nice and I got the usual roll of the eyes and my mom said "he sure is playing around with you." and then Gary agreed. I sat there stunned. I couldn't believe it. I was shocked and upset and I didn't know what to do so I just stared for five minutes while they carried on the conversation as normal. I was SO angry at them I couldn't believe it. Why can't people just be happy for me? Why do they have to take out their insecurities on me ALL THE TIME? And why can't it be true. Why can't Ethan love me? Why is that hard for EVERYONE to believe? I mean, it's been taking me so long to just learn to believe it myself and now I do and then people like Dillon or Ryan or Lauren or Gary or MY MOM have to go and shatter it. FUCK YOU. All you of. I'm so fucking pissed right now. I sat there and then I cried. I cried at my own birthday dinner. I felt like a fool but I couldn't do anything about it. I hate people. I hate insecure fucking people who have bad relationships and cant just be happy for me. I'm so...
over it.