Oh Now I'm Done Believing You. You Don't Know What I'm Feeling. I'm More Than What You Made Of Me.

So Lauren brought to my attention that I TOTALLY CALLED FORREST WHITTAKER WINNING... like eight months ago. So FERAY! Hahaha, I'm a winner.

Oh man I cannot wait to move to LA. I'm starting to get that feeling that I never used to have. The one where I actually want to leave Santa Rosa. I was never one of those people that needed to get out and leave their parents and get as far from SR as humanly possible. I kinda like it here. But I am super excited to go. It's an all new life THAT I NEED right now. I wish I had more distractions right now. I can't stop thinking about Ethan slutting about and how I used to be like that last time we broke up and he called me a slut and now I'm just looking back and thinking HA! If anything I just need some guy to distract me from him lusting over people that aren't me. Sure I'm jealous and all that because this time it's different and it sucks. I don't want him to be over me. I want him to remember how great we were as a couple before we broke up. And then again, even if he did miss me and want me back I most likely wouldn't do it so the whole thing is just ridiculous and pointless. I just miss him telling me that I had his heart and that he loved me and that he could see himself marrying me. Why am I not that girl anymore? And why do I care so much? Guh. My point is: I need a distraction. Find me one!

I wish I didn't have school. It seems so pointless right now because I'm not into it at all. Maybe someday, when or if acting doesn't work out, and I come home, school will be my decision. But now I'm just hating it.

Last night's dream:
I'm in Greece and the only person besides my friends that are there that speak English. (Though I'm sure many Greek people speak English.) I remember Ethan being there and wanting me back and we hooked up and then I met this other guy that was GORGEOUS and into me so I was stuck and didn't know what to do but I think I went for the other guy. There was basketball, throwing around a stuffed baby, and boats and a lake involved in the dream as well. It was a long dream and I also remember watching a British music television station where the Scottish chick from Ugly Betty was hosting. I went to bed really drunk so that was probably why I dreamt crazily.
.Stephanie.

Honey, Can I Jump On It Sometime? Yes, I Just Wanna See If It's Really That Expensive Kind.

I'm in love with Edie Sedgwick. She is just so beautiful and sad and had such a hard and crazy life. She was the party girl of her time and she just seemed so clueless and sweet and impressionable. Anyhow, my heart fell for her when I saw Factory Girl and now I can't stop reading about her and wishing I looked like her because she's so adorable. Her dimples and hairstyle and tiny little body. We're the same height but my body will never look like that. She's waifish with tiny boobs. Sometimes I wish mine were like that but... then again... probably not.

This is superficial of me but oh well. Here's what I wish I could do with my hair but am just too damn chicken: (also I'm not sure my face shape would pull it off...)









...aaaannnd Andy Warhol is creepy. But yeah. You get the picture.
.Stephanie.

Shoulda Known Better When You Came Around That You Were Gonna Make Me Cry.

While there were other guys interested in me, it was different. I had hope and I fell out of love and I was having the time of my life. Winter break was amazing with everyone home from college and keeping me entertained and not sad about life. Things were looking up.
Not to say that I'm completely unhappy or that life sucks again but now that a lot of my friends have gone back to college, I'm not feeling as great as I was. I've really been needing my friends lately and it's hard. In the past couple weeks I've been thinking about Ethan a lot again. I have so many different emotions about the whole thing that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired and today I read some lyrics he wrote for songs and I'm not sure how many were about our relationship but I'm sure a few were and my head was literally spinning. I felt sick and it just washed over me again.
I read some letters from my time capsule today, including Ethan's, in search for Coop's. I found that I don't have one from her and I have no idea why! I was almost certain that she wrote me one but I guess I was wrong. It made me really sad.
So there are so many things I never got to say to Ethan when we broke up. So many things I let slide or didn't even realize at the time. I don't think I can write them here because it wouldn't be right but it's been driving me crazy. I need him to talk to me. I want him to just tell me what's up and why he wrote what he wrote and what he's been feeling lately. I don't understand why he doesn't want to talk to me. The hardest thing in the world is when your best friend just doesn't even want to be in your life anymore. He's so impressionable. And the cheating... I guess I just didn't think about it when I found out but now I think back and I don't understand why he did it. The biggest thing in the world that he could do to hurt me was that and he did it. And he knew it too. He knew how upset I was about my dad and how hard it was for me after I found out.
I know now there are things I did that I hate. That I didn't appreciate him enough and I know that. I am so sorry that I was like that but I know now what I did and I hope in the future, with him or any other boyfriend, I will not ever be like that again. Controlling and unappreciative. It disgusts me now. I just want him to talk to me. Like we used to. We used to talk about everything, including us and now there is no us and there is no talking. I miss the old Ethan.
.Stephanie.